Waste My Time With You
by jennh07
Summary: AU-Funny Puckleberry Drabbles.
1. Love Games

**Note: **Drabble filled at the puckrachel comm at livejournal. Prompt at the end.

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><p>It's nearing eleven thirty at night and Rachel is leaning up against the wall across from the game store she's currently waiting at. The manager made an event out of this 'release' that Puck brought (drug) her to. There are TV's set up in the middle of the mall with Xbox's and controllers to play the most violent video games that she doesn't approve of. Finn and Sam are at one screen playing against Puck and Mike on the other side. She's completely alone. Surrounded by men and teenagers. There are even little kids here and it's getting close to midnight!<p>

After pumping his fist in the air and high fiving Mike, Puck makes his way over and bends down to kiss Rachel quickly. "We won."

"I saw." She raises her eyebrow and looks down at all the empty stores. This is completely ridiculous.

"C'mon babe, it's Modern Warfare 3! They sell like the most games ever."

"It's incredibly violent and I don't see Santana, Quinn or Tina here with their husbands. And really Noah, half of these pubescent boys are undressing me with their eyes. I want to go home!"

He looks around and sees a group of nerdy looking guys checking Rachel out in her shorts. Puck sends a quick glare their way before covering up her body by pulling her into a hug. "This is the best day of my fucking life and I wanted you to be here with me. So stop pouting."

"Our wedding day wasn't the best day of your life?"

"I basically handed you my balls baby, what's the fun in that?"

"What about the honeymoon? That wasn't the best week ever?" She raises an eyebrow up and looks him in the eyes.

"I don't need Hawaii to sex you up Rach. Because when we get home…" He pauses and furrows his eyebrows. The first thing he's going to do when he gets back to their house is get on Xbox live to play his game and kick some ass. "Okay, so tomorrow after work I'll get to sex you up as much as I want to. Hell, we can get it on in the backyard. It'll be like our honeymoon all over again."

Rachel rolls her eyes. "It's not the same Noah. And I think you should make love to me when we get home." She smoothes her hands up his chest before linking them behind his neck. The metal of his wedding band is warm against the small of her back. "That way you can make it up to me for dragging me here for three hours to wait for a silly game."

"Puck!" They both turn their heads to Finn who is waiving his receipt in the air. "C'mon! They're about to start handing 'em out!"

"Gotta go baby!" He kisses her idly somewhere on her head before turning around.

"I want a divorce!" Rachel half yells at him.

"Yeah okay baby, whatever you want." Puck waves his hand back at her before moving into the store with his friends.

Huffing, Rachel pulls out her phone and sends out a quick text.

_To Santana Hudson: Noah picked Call of Duty over sex. Will you be my divorce lawyer?_

* * *

><p><strong>Prompt:<strong> Puck makes Rachel go to the midnight release for MW3 which is the new Call of Duty game. She is not amused and he thinks it's the greatest day of his life.

This basically comes from my son who told my today that MW3 day will be the greatest day of his life :) -**kldstacy **

_**A/N:**...I've actually had to wait in line for the midnight release of a game._

I'm creating this is a collection in case I find any other ones that I want to do, so that I can put them all in one place :) But I have a lot of other stuff I want to work on too. If you guys have any prompts, let me know.


	2. Pumpernickel

Most people would find it highly unusual that Rachel is in a Fantasy Football league with her husband, Noah Puckerman, and his best friends from high school. Her dads lived and breathed the sport so she naturally grew up watching it. The fact of the matter is though, the commissioner for their league is pretty much an idiot. She loves him like a brother and his wife, Santana, is seriously her best friend. But the asshole of the group who won last season gets the first pick in their draft this year.

"Are you fucking serious? Finn, no." Puck plucks the piece of paper from his friend's hand and folds it back up. "Artie is not picking first. His ego got way too big once he won."

"You're doing what I think you're doing?" Rachel looks around at everyone, and don't think she doesn't miss the smirk on Santana's face that always matches her husband's, before meeting Finn's eyes.

"So the first pick goes to?" Puck looks at Finn then down to the basket where the slips of paper for their draft are in. Everyone hesitates. "Oh come on. We can give him like the fourth spot so it's not fucking suspicious. We'll put Rach in front of him then Sam after him. It's easy."

After the picks are finished, Artie walks down the stairs and rubs his hands together. "Alright! Let's pick."

"We already picked. You're going fourth." Mike raises his beer. "I got first, Finn is second, Rachel is third, I'm fifth and Puck is sixth."

"You guys already picked?" Artie looks at all of them. "Are you sure that you didn't pick my name first then decided that you didn't like the order so you re-picked and set me somewhere in the middle so it didn't look suspicious?"

"Of course we didn't. Why would do that?" Rachel looks at him with an eyebrow raised before she drinks some of her water, setting her hand on top of Puck's lap.

"Don't touch him. I know how sneaky you can be. You think that we all know you're little Miss Innocent, but you're not!" He looks all of them in the eyes, even Santana. "Fine. Keep all your lies. It'll bite you in the ass sooner or later." Artie leaves and gives them all the finger.

"He figured it out. He came in here, guessed exactly what happened and now look!" Finn taps his foot nervously. "We should just bring him back. Tell him what happened and re-pick. Artie will laugh."

"Fuck off." Puck leans back in his chair then slouches.

Santana glares at Finn and stomps her foot. "No!" He stares at her with his eyebrows scrunched together then leans into her touch while she rubs his hair by his ear. "Good boy."

Rachel looks at Santana oddly before moving up to the kitchen.

She's washing some dishes when her best friend walks over and leans against the counter. "I know what you're doing."

The Latina stares at her oddly. "And what's that?"

"You guys got a new puppy and you're using the training book on him."

"Please Rachel, who trains their husbands?" She rolls her eyes and looks at her nails.

"Oh, I know. Because I've been doing it with him before you came along."

"How long?"

"Years." Rachel shrugs. Santana straightens her posture and looks at Rachel oddly. The petite brunette pulls out a pen and clicks it a few times.

"This stops now! Just because you knew him in college doesn't mean that it _actually_ works."

Finn walks into the room, staring down at the ground. "Finn? Will you grab Noah a beer please?"

"Do I look like his butler? It's his house, he can get it himself." Rachel clicks the pen and leans back against the counter. "Wait, what did you need?"

"Noah asked you for a Bud Light."

"Okay. I didn't think he liked that kind but I'll check and take it to him." Finn smiles happily, grabbing the beer then kisses Santana on his way back downstairs.

Santana stares with her jaw dropped while Rachel grins widely before returning to the dishes.

Later that week, they're all at Sam's apartment to do the actual draft, Santana is leaning against the counter picking through the food that Rachel set out. Artie calls down to them from the fire escape to come up to the roof so he can do his last official thing before his reign ends. Everyone tells him to fuck off, but Finn stares at all of them.

"Guys, we should just tell him the truth. We can re-pick the order and then we can start the draft. Everything will be fine. I'm going to go up." He moves towards the door to the escape.

"Finn! No!" Santana says in a low voice, stomping her foot while following him out the door.

"Finn! Stop it!" Rachel clicks the pen and chases after them.

Puck rolls his eyes and strolls up the stairs. "You guys really think that'll work?" They both stop and turn to look at him. "I've known Finnocence since high school. I've been training him before wives were a thought in our sex crazed minds."

The girls ignore him and continue up the steps until they reach the roof. Finn is just about to have complete word vomit and explain everything to Artie when Puck says the magic word. _Pumpernickel_. Finn passes out and lays on the floor of the roof temporarily unconscious.

"What the fuck is wrong with him?" Artie stares down at him then back up at the three people in front of him.

"He's a fucking light weight." Puck shrugs. "So what are the new rules that you want?"

Santana and Rachel stare down at Finn. The Latina nudges her husband's leg before looking over at Rachel. "Well shit."

* * *

><p><strong>Where I got my idea:<strong> On the League, Jenny is trying to train their new puppy with the training book and her husband Kevin is mad then starts to eat pop tarts without using a plate. When he tells her he won't and gets crumbs all over the ground, she uses the same method from the puppy and it works. But his best friend, Pete, tells her that he's been training Kevin for years by clicking his pen. (They actually do the whole beer type thing, just a bit differently) But at the end of the episode, Kevin's brother Taco (Yeah, I don't know about the name) says he's been doing it for years and says the exact same word and Kevin passes out.

This is AU. Mostly wanted to point this out because Artie isn't in a wheelchair ;)


	3. Danger Zone

Rachel looks in her full length mirror at her costume. A slutty nurse. Normally she wouldn't go for something like this but Santana is throwing a themed Halloween party. 40's. They both went costume shopping and knew instantly what the theme should be because the Latina saw the hottest mobster costume that she _had_ to have. Brittany is going to be a sexy housewife and the rest she wasn't exactly sure about.

As she looks in the mirror, she adjusts the replica hat that they had during World War II and fixes her hair like she saw in a picture. She's not sure what Puck is dressing up as. If she had to guess she would assume an old baseball player, or a gangster since he looks really good in fedora hat, or even a pimp. The one thing that he refused to do was have coordinating costumes though, no matter how hard she tried. Puck loves hers though.

It's an hour before the party and she's putting on her bright red lipstick. As she's working on her top lip, music is coming into the bathroom so she scrunches her eyebrows and looks towards the living room. Her bright red heels click against the hardwood floor while her ears strain to figure out where it's coming from. Rachel's narrow towards the front door and she swears she can hear lyrics to one of Puck's favorite songs only because it's in one of his favorite movies of all time.

She pulls open the door and Puck is standing there with a smirk on his face while he chews gum, (Really, how does he manage to pull that off?) with _Highway to the Danger Zone_ playing in the background. Underneath his arm is a pilot's helmet and a bombers jacket. Raising an eyebrow, Puck sighs and pulls his iPod out, turning the song off.

"I flight suited up."

"I can see that." Rachel bites her lip and looks him up and down.

Puck grins and closes the door, putting his aviators on top of his head. "You look sexy baby."

"So do you." She reaches up and kisses the corner of his mouth. Thank God for lipstick that doesn't come off easily. "Now I just want to sing that song while taking your pants—" Rachel tilts her head to the side and takes in his appearance, "flight suit off." She bats her eyelashes at him innocently while she feels her blush rushing down onto her chest.

He drops his stuff instantly and kisses her hard. "Just do it Rach. So damn hot."

Her hand moves up his chest and rests on the zipper by his collarbone. "We'll be late."

"Don't fucking care."

Rachel sinks to her knees, singing out the beginning of the chorus quietly while pulling the zipper down then reaching into his boxers. The last thing he remembers before texting Santana that they'll be late, is his sexy girlfriend singing highway to the danger zone before her plump red lips are wrapped around his dick. He knew it was a good idea not to tell her that he coordinated their costumes accordingly.

* * *

><p><strong>Prompts:<strong> Youtube . com/watch?v= 20YNcMmwdPg

**(573): **

I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.


	4. What You Need

Rachel groans as Santana tips back another tequila shot. Her friend is happily sucking on a lime while she looks around the club for a guy to take home tonight. Or preferably to his place since she would give the Latina all sorts of hell for being loud like she usually is when she gets drunk. Especially since she would have a hangover in the morning.

"San, I need a good nine hours of sleep or else I don't perform as well on stage! Can we please go home?"

"What you need is a good nine inches." She smirks and looks out. That's when she sees _him_. "And that man looks like he'll have the perfect amount to help you out."

Her jaw drops then scrunches up her nose. "I do not need a one night stand."

"Oh please chica. I know that your last lay left you highly unsatisfied."

The woman stands up and adjusts her breasts in her dress, leaving Rachel staring at her like she's lost her mind, and moves towards the man in question. "Hey sexy." She smiles coyly.

"Hi there." The man smirks and sips his beer.

"My friend over there," she nods her head to Rachel, "Tight red dress, cute perky tits, and legs for days, would like you show you a good time tonight."

"Is she a hooker?"

"The fuck? No. She's on Broadway. Maria to be exact." Santana shrugs her right shoulder and looks at her nails then up at the guy.

"So she can dance too huh? Since she's on Broadway?"

"Sure can. Flexible as hell."

He grins. "What's her name?"

"Rachel Berry."

"And what's your name?" Santana raises her eyebrow.

"Noah Puckerman. I go by Puck though."

Her eyes gaze over his body. "She'll call you Noah and snort in your face if you tell her that. Just let her. If you argue, she'll go all bat shit Jew crazy on you."

"Berry's a Jew?"

"Definitely don't call her that. But yeah she is." Her eyes narrow at him. "Why does that matter?"

Puck laughs. "Doesn't matter at all." Santana crosses her arms and gives him an unamused look. "Alright, I'll work my magic on your friend."

Santana watches happily as he leans over the table, whispering something in her ear. She can see Rachel rolling her eyes before moving her hand out so they can shake. Puck offers her his arm, her dainty hand moving through the hole to loop her arm with his, then they move out towards the front door.

* * *

><p>A year later, Santana's fixing Rachel's veil while her best friend smoothes down any wrinkles on her wedding dress. "You know, you never told me what he said to you that night in the bar to make you leave with him."<p>

"He asked if I wanted to get dinner since I was the only girl not eyeing him like a piece of meat. Then Noah took me to this wonderful Jewish deli that was near his apartment. We might have gone back to his place afterwards." She giggles and sweeps her bangs away.

"I told you all you need was nine inches." Her eyebrow raises.

Rachel blushes and meets Santana's eyes in the mirror. "More like nine and a half." She bites her bottom lip while her friend bends over laughing.

* * *

><p><strong>Prompt:<strong> youtube . com/watch?v =GzX4f4FZzFs&feature =sh_e_top&list=SL  
>starts at 1:29, but entire scene is funny.<p> 


	5. Notes

**A/N: **

**-Filled at the Puck/Rach drabble meme on LJ**

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><p>The first two years of college is basically bullshit. Anyone can try and change his mind about it, but it's boring. His teacher doesn't take attendance, there's no pop quizzes, he puts up the PowerPoints that they take notes from up the internet and all he really needs to do is show up on test days. And look, biology is easy. And he's convinced that all he needs to do is sleep on the book and it's like he absorbed it into his mind. Yes, he knows that's not how it works and he doesn't care. That's just how easy it is to him. Prophase, metaphase, homeostasis, ATP, <em>whatever<em>.

But every time he comes to class, his girlfriend sits on the opposite side of the room. They fucking met in a class last semester, math to be exact and just like biology, that shit comes to him easily too. She says that he's too much of a distraction to her. She's got amazing legs, he can't help that he just wants to run his fingers up her silky smooth skin.

Puck shifts uneasily, thinking about her legs is giving him a hard on and he definitely can't have that right now.

And today is a Wednesday, so they don't generally meet before class. He just finds his seat and stares at the notes up on the screen or fucks around on his phone. Though today, the chick who sits next to him, glares at him whenever he starts up a game of Pacman so he puts it away, just out of fear that she'll stab his hand because she's gripping her pen so damn tight. Sighing, he looks around and tries to squint in the dark to look for Rachel. There's no sign of her, so he grabs his notebook and starts to draw one of those little flip book cartoons. They're fun and it feels like a better use of his attention and time for two hours than some shit about how genes are transferred from each parent.

By the time class is over, he finishes his cartoon and looks around. Puck doesn't see his midget of a girlfriend, so he walks across campus to his truck so he can drive to her apartment. He hasn't missed a day in his other class so he figures today will be fine to miss even though Rachel will probably lecture him about tardiness and worrying about his future. What he's more worried about is why she wasn't in class then didn't even text him that she'd be missing.

* * *

><p>"Come in!"<p>

He pushes through the front door and looks around. She's curled up on the couch with a blanket over her body and the stuffed yellow star from Super Mario Galaxy that he got her for Valentine's Day. "Hey baby, what's wrong?"

"Just feeling a little under the weather. How was class?"

"Boring as fuck." Puck sits on the couch, pulling her legs onto his lap and running his fingers along her calves underneath the blanket.

"Do you mind if I borrow your notes?"

"Yeah sure." He pulls the notebook out of his pocket (it's small, so what?) and tosses it at her. When she picks it up, he realizes that he didn't take notes. _None_. He drew a fucking cartoon. "Wait! Rach, give it back."

She's already flipping through it, noticing that he didn't write anything down. But she notices something red and goes to the back to flip through the pages to the front. There's a little stick figure man carrying a big "I" to the middle of the page, then carries a giant red heart, tossing it over the first letter, then comes from the other side of the page, pushing a big "U" next to the heart. Once the little man is done, he does a little fist pump in the air, which is exactly something that Puck would do. Her eyes tear up as she looks up at him.

"Do you mean it?"

Puck rubs the back of his neck. "Well yeah. I didn't see you in class so I figured you just sat somewhere else." He shrugs. "And I just started to draw and that came out of it."

"I love you too." Rachel smiles brightly. This just made her day.

He rolls his eyes and pushes her feet down before pulling her body towards him, cuddling against the arm of her couch. Puck grabs the star from the middle cushion and cuddles with both of them while watching her favorite musical. He notices that she's starting to fall asleep, so he burrows down into the couch a little better so Rachel's head is on his chest, then kisses her temple. "I love you." She hums and moves her head gently, kissing the underside of his jaw.

His gen. ed classes can kiss his ass. This is way better.

* * *

><p><strong>Prompt: <strong>25 . media . tumblr . com/ tumblr_lqjmfpW38P1qbpwzeo1_250 . gif by **sarcastic_fina**


	6. Awesome

**A/N: Filled at the Puck/Rachel Drabble Meme at LJ. 2 prompts at the bottom.  
><strong>

* * *

><p>For some reason, her boyfriend talked her into going out to a diner with his friends for the night instead of just lounging around at home with a glass of wine. She met him in a calculus class, so the people he hangs out with the most, don't really know much about her other than she studies. <em>A lot<em>. She is in nursing school after all. Tonight is the first time in a long time that she hasn't had to stay in and bury her nose in a book.

"We're glad you could come out tonight Rachel." Finn smiles and puts his arm around Santana.

"And she can drink tonight. It's fucking amazing." Puck smirks and pulls her into his side. "Which means I get laid more than once tonight."

She glares at Puck before looking back to his friend. "Thank you Finn. It's nice to have a break from studying all the things that nursing school is throwing my way." Rachel smiles and sets her hand on Puck's thigh.

"No shit? I'm pre-med." Santana grins and leans forward.

"All that medical bullshit is boring Satan. No one at this table wants to hear about it." He motions to the waitress across the bar.

"I like all that medical 'bullshit' Noah." She uses her fingers to make quotation marks when she curses. "It's very interesting what the human body can do."

There's so much he could say to that, but he knows that if he does, then there won't be any interesting things happening in his bed tonight. And that just can't happen. So he bites his tongue and orders a round of beers.

"That could be interesting." Finn shrugs. "Tell us something cool." He looks between the two girls.

"Oh, okay. Um…" Rachel taps her finger against her lips, trying to think of some things that would be interesting to their boyfriends. "It takes seven seconds for food to pass from the mouth to stomach."

Santana just starts spewing random facts that aren't that interesting while she picks fries from their appetizer. "A human hair can hold three kg."

"My professor claims that the length of a penis is three times the length of the thumb."

"The femur is as hard as concrete."

Rachel reaches for a French fry and pops it into her mouth. "A woman's heart beats faster than a man's and women also blink twice as much as men."

"We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance." She eats a piece of bacon then looks at the guys to see if they're listening, only to find both of them staring at their thumbs. "Did you dumbasses hear anything we just said?"

Finn tilts his head and stares at his thumb. "I don't think it could be right."

Puck shakes his head. "Nah, mine's right. I know for a fact."

"Oh please, there's no way that could be right. Finn has monstrous hands and I know that it isn't right. It's just some myth to make you guys feel better."

He glares across the table. "It is fucking true. Want me to whip out my dick right now and prove it to you?"

"Noah!" Rachel pulls away and stares at him with her jaw dropped.

"You have _no_ shame Puckerman." Santana rolls her eyes and sips her beer. "And save your lies. I'm sure Rachel is highly disappointed in the bedroom."

"In _my_ body, where the shame gland should be, there's a second awesome gland. True story." He nods and sips his beer.

"There's no such thing as a shame gland honey. That's controlled by the prefrontal cortex."

"First of all, baby, that's not hot. I don't need you to get all medical technical on me." He looks over to Santana. "And second, I always satisfy so shut your trap woman. And you forget that me and Finn live together so when we're back at our apartment and Rachel is screaming out my name, you'll remember that shit."

Later that night, after Rachel has had three successful orgasms from their first round, she moves out to the kitchen to grab some water. Santana is standing there in her pajamas making some hot cocoa.

"So he's right." Rachel blushes and looks down.

She offers her a sip of her drink. "About what chica?"

"His thumb and his penis."

"No shit?" Santana tilts her head. "I need to go wake up Finn and see about that shit." The Latina moves away but stops and looks over her shoulder. "I like you. So he better not fuck up anything and keep you around."

Rachel laughs. She pads back to the bedroom after sticking her glass in the sink and lays down next to Puck.

"Told you I was right baby."

"You really don't have any shame Noah." She moves to straddle his lap.

"Because I'm awesome. Already told you that." He winks and slides his hands up her legs. "Let's see how many muscles we can make you use while you ride me."

* * *

><p><strong>Prompt:<strong>

"In my body, where the shame gland should be, there's a second awesome gland. True story." -**shaesweetie**

a7 . sphotos . ak . fbcdn . net/ hphotos-ak-ash4 /s320x320/308922_254451137941232_244753448911001_740786_60235461_n . jpg

So at first when I read this I just laughed and thought I would share it out of the pure hilarity of it. Then I thought it could actually be used as a prompt (somehow). I kinda picture this being stuff that gets said while everyone is drunk one night and then all the guys wind up looking at their thumbs. Perhaps Puck sets out to prove the penis thumb comment wrong idek. -**shadowkitty22**


	7. MRS

Puck's staring at the front of the auditorium he's in for psychology while the T.A is stapling a bunch of papers together. It's the first day of his second year at NYU. And it's not like he enjoys gen. education classes but it'll get him where he wants to be eventually.

He sighs and pulls his phone out, looking up random shit on Facebook, until he notices someone sit down next to him. Looking to his right, there's a hot brunette sitting there with her eyes looking straight ahead. Puck takes a moment to appreciate her body. Small tits, but they'd fit perfectly in his hands. Long toned legs. Chocolate brown eyes.

"Where's your book?"

She turns to him and gazes a little too long on his arms. "I don't need one."

"Right, left it at home or haven't bought it yet?" He chuckles. "I'm Puck."

Rachel eyes him again. "Not buying it. I'm Rachel, Rachel Berry. Nice to meet you." She smiles at his grunt. "So what are you majoring in?"

"Urban design and Architecture Studies."

"So you'll be an architect?"

He nods. "Yep. What are you majoring in?"

"Oh, I'm on Broadway. I'm only taking a few classes to get my M.R.S degree."

Puck narrows his eyes at her. "Never heard of it. What the fuck is it?" He tries to think about what the individual letters could stand for.

"I'm here to find a husband. Someone who will look amazing on my arm when I win a Tony."

He coughs and stares at her like she's insane. She shrugs and smiles, looking forward as the professor walks in and starts to talk about what they're going to be learning that semester. This woman is just wasting money and time just to take classes to find a husband? That's the dumbest thing he's ever heard. Puck scoffs and folds his arms over his chest.

_Shit_. What if all college girls are like that? Puck shifts in his seat and rolls his eyes. Then he notices her nose.

"You a Jew?"

Rachel looks over at him with her eyebrows furrowed. "Yes, why?"

"My ma's been telling me to marry a nice Jewish girl my entire fucking life."

She raises an eyebrow. "When you graduate and get a job, you'll be a real catch."

He smirks. "You know it. I'll have a shitload of money while building amazing skyscrapers or houses and live in a penthouse."

"What are you insinuating exactly?"

"My sister likes that Broadway shit." Rachel tilts her head at him and raises an eyebrow. "You're hot. I'm hot. We're both Jews and we'd meet both of our goals." He shrugs his shoulder. "It'd save me from going through the effort of banging awful girls."

A coy smile spreads across her face. "I don't have a gag reflex."

His eyes widen. "Oh fuck, please marry me."

"If that's your proposal, then no." Rachel laughs and stands up right after their professor ends the lecture. "See you Monday." She winks.

Puck tilts his head and stares at her ass. "She'd do."

* * *

><p><strong>Prompt: <strong>At my old college, a phrase I heard a lot was that a girl was there to get her MRS degree.


	8. Vinegar Strokes

**VIII**

* * *

><p>Puck grabs a beer at the bar before heading over to the table that him and his friends always sit at. It's actually amazing that all their hours line up so that they can come here after work and just chill before dealing with wives and children.<p>

Finn is the only single one in their group. Puck's married to Rachel and they've known Blaine and Santana (the power law couple in Boston, every other lawyer is kinda scared of them) the longest but because she knew the two in high school, but he met them at Columbia in law school. Sam is a physical therapist and his wife Quinn, works with Rachel and Brittany at a private school. Brittany's husband Mike is a doctor. Puck actually met Finn through his firm. Now they're this big tight family.

He doesn't get why Finn is single. The guy is obviously smart, you have to at least graduate law school and pass the bar to get a job and he's decent looking besides being a giant from some fucked up fairy tale.

"So I was with this girl last night. And she was _so_ good. But she kept hitting the wall behind her and there's a shelf on top of her bed with a Statue of Liberty on it..."

Mike laughs and cuts him off. "Get to the point Finn."

"Well it fell and hit my head while I was doing her. I've had a headache all day." His hand reaches up and gently rubs the sore spot on the crown of his head.

"Why didn't you stop?" Blaine sits down next to Puck, fist bumping him and then taking a sip of his beer.

He grins and shrugs. "I was at the vinegar strokes."

Then the moron says dumb shit like that. He takes back everything he just said about the guy.

"The fuck you talking about Hudson?" Puck raises an eyebrow over at him over his glass.

"Your vinegar strokes." Finn stares at them like they're all idiots.

"Finn, what exactly are 'vinegar strokes?' I haven't heard that phrase." Blaine looks at everyone for confirmation that they haven't either before looking back at the taller man.

"It's the point during the sexual experience where a man's about to orgasm and his face looks like someone put a spoonful of vinegar up to his nose."

_Why is he friends with this guy?_

"Ooh." Mike and Sam say in unison before drinking their beers. Both of their eyebrows furrow at the same time.

The blonde scratches his head. "I don't think I do that."

* * *

><p>Puck is kissing the hell out of his wife while moving over her. She had a long day so he's making it up to her by doing what he does best. Sex. Rachel is giving off little whimpers with her long brown hair splayed out on the pillow. His hand runs down her right leg and he closes his eyes. Puck just <em>knows<em> she's going to let go at any minute.

Her back arches and she forces her eyes open to look at him, only to furrow her eyebrows in confusion. "Baby?" He grunts and holds her hips tighter. "Baby are you okay?" Her hands reach up to cup his face, stroking his cheek.

His face looks like he's in pain or there's something weird going on in his head. Those or either he's concentrating too hard. "I'm fine Rach."

Rachel licks her lips and nods before letting go, leading the way for Puck to let go with her.

When he flops onto his back on the bed, beads of sweat on his forehead, he thinks about what she was asking him. Puck looks over to his wife, her eyes closed. "Why did you ask me if I was okay?" He breathes out.

"You looked like you were in pain or smelled something weird." She sniffs before rolling onto her side to lean on his shoulder. "You've never done that before."

* * *

><p>Rachel is sitting in Santana's living room, drinking a glass of wine while they all chat about something. But she hears a phrase and looks over to Brittany. "What did you say?"<p>

"Mike was saying how Finn told them about 'vinegar strokes.' It's the strangest thing I've ever heard!"

"What is it?" Quinn looks at the other blonde curiously.

"It's when they make a weird face before, ya know, letting go but Mike does that all the time during sex." She shrugs.

"Oh, my God." Rachel gasps.

"What?" Santana glances at her with her head tilted.

"Noah did that last night!"

Santana laughs and takes a long sip of her wine. "And? Blaine does it all the time. Unless he's doing me from behind then I don't see it. Which is pretty nice."

"Sam does the same thing."

"Really? Noah never does that." Her eyes roam around at all her friends.

* * *

><p>Everyone stares down at their beers quietly.<p>

"I did it last night." Puck glances over at Blaine. "I never fucking do that. I had to face Rachel towards a mirror to make sure I didn't fucking do it again. It was so humiliating." He groans and picks at the label on his beer bottle.

"Same here. With San." Blaine licks his lips. "Except, apparently every time we have sex, I do it."

"Me too." Mike grips his beer bottle and glares at the seat where Finn is supposed to be.

Finn walks over and sits happily at the table. "What's up guys?" They all glare at him. "You found out you have vinegar strokes didn't you?" He grins.

"You're an asshole." Puck slouches in his seat. "I'm just lucky enough I don't do it every time like these fuckers."

"Have you guys ever seen anyone's vinegar strokes? Because rumor has it, that if you stare into a man's eyes during his vinegar strokes, you can peer into his soul." Finn's eyes light up.

_Again, why is he friends with this guy?_

Mike picks up a few pretzels from the bowl and throws them at Finn's face. "Shut the fuck up."

* * *

><p><strong>Over 1,000 words, but oh well. Hopefully this is funny enough to be on here<br>**

**Prompt: **Taco, explaining why he couldn't stop sex with a woman before a pig statute fell on his head, "I was at the vinegar strokes. It's the point during the sexual experience where a man's about to orgasm and his face looks like someone put a spoonful of vinegar up to his nose." Guys in unison, "Ohhhhh." Kevin, "I couldn't stop if a bee was about to sting me."

Taco, "have you guys ever seen anyone's vinegar strokes. Because rumor has it that if you stare into a man's eyes during his vinegar strokes, you can peer into his soul." - From _The League_


	9. Be Our Guest

**IX **

**A/N: **Filled over at the Puck/Rachel Drabble Meme on LJ

* * *

><p>This is the first weekend he has to take care of Audrey all alone. Rachel left to go to some spa weekend with Quinn, Santana and Brittany. But it's her first weekend since she had their little girl and went back to work, so he's more than happy to let her have it off. Though, he hasn't noticed all the little things she gets done, because he has <em>absolutely<em> no clue how to get his daughter to eat her dinner. Rachel usually hums but he doesn't have a clue what song.

"C'mon honey, just eat a little for daddy. Please?"

Audrey gives him a toothy grin before shaking her head. She babbles something incoherently and squeals.

"I don't speak babble." Puck huffs and puts more food onto the spoon.

His daughter just squeals again and giggles when he puts the spoon near her mouth. Puck leans back and glares at the bowl of whatever Rachel left in the refrigerator that was marked for today. He's a man and a badass, but he's tempted to just beg the little girl in front of him to eat. What are some songs about food? There's that song from _Victorious_ that Finn and Brittany's kid watches, but he doesn't really care about his infant knowing that if you put cheese on veggies that they'll be 'mm mm good.' Plus Rachel would slap him if he taught Audrey that. Though melted cheese and broccoli is good…

The little girl starts to hum something, he didn't even know she could do that but this _is_ his and Rachel's daughter, and he looks at her questioningly.

"Are you trying to tell daddy what you want him to sing?" She gives him another toothy grin. Fuck she's smart. Puck moves closer and picks up the spoon, trying to figure out what she's humming. He starts to hum what he _thinks_ is the song, but he's obviously wrong because she knocks the spoon out of his hand which causes, whatever the hell he's feeding her, to land all over his shirt.

Although, once he's got the melody figured out when she started to hum it again, he starts to hum it back. The little girl takes a bite of her food that he offers and squeals after.

But then he notices what he's humming. "Oh God Audrey." He shakes his head. Her little hazel eyes stare up at him then her lip starts to quiver. "Honey, don't cry." Puck sighs. It's kind of scary that she's got Rachel's brains and she's barely a year old.

He scratches his forehead before quietly singing the lyrics she wants to hear.

"Be our guest! Be our guest!  
>Put our service to the test<br>Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie  
>And we'll provide the rest"<p>

Audrey happily starts eating again and after a few minutes, they're done with dinner. He shakes his head and pulls her out of her high chair. "Your mother is insane for getting you hooked on that, but it is her favorite Disney movie."

* * *

><p>Rachel walks in around dinner time on Sunday night, finally turning on her cell phone again. Her daughter's laughter is filling up their apartment so she walks towards the kitchen. Puck is singing from her favorite movie while feeding her. Her husband is bobbing his head around when she walks in.<p>

"Are you singing _Be Our Guest?"_

"Hey baby." Puck grins once she finishes her last bite. "Yeah, she wouldn't eat. You suck for getting her hooked on that song though."

"What are you talking about? I never sing that to her when I feed her. I just hum one of your songs to her." She sets her purse down and picks up Audrey, running her fingers through her dark brown hair.

"But she hummed to me what she wanted."

Rachel laughs. "That just shows she's our daughter."

* * *

><p>The next morning Rachel is, or trying to, feed Audrey breakfast but the little girl won't eat anything. She's on the verge of tears and the little girl is just blinking owlishly back at her.<p>

"Sweetheart, just take a bite please?" She starts to hum one of her husband's songs but it doesn't work.

Puck walks in and grabs a mug for his coffee. He kisses Audrey's cheek then looks down. "She's not eating?"

"Nothing I'm doing is working. I just don't understand!" Rachel runs her hands through her hair and willing the tears to go away. Maybe she's just not meant for motherhood.

He sighs and pulls up a chair next to Rachel. Puck tucks a strand of hair behind his wife's ear before looking at their daughter. "Ma chere Mademoiselle, it is with deepest pride." The little girl giggles and reaches towards the bowl.

"Are you serious?" Rachel stares at her husband.

"Just sing along baby. If this is the only way she'll eat, then I'll put on a show every damn time."

"Language!"

Rachel notices that Audrey has started to eat now that Puck has started to sing. She sighs and sings along until their daughter has finished all her food. The best part is when Audrey claps when they're all done.

* * *

><p><strong>Prompt: <strong>Pucklebaby only eats after daddy sings Be Our Guest from Beauty and the Beast. -**pristhebest**


	10. Unicorn

A/N: Filled at the Puck/Rachel drabble meme over at LJ.

* * *

><p>Brittany is happily sipping on a fruity drink while Rachel is glaring around the bar. The brunette didn't even want to come out tonight after the horrific day she had at school. Her professors calling her off key and not original really got to her. She's better than everyone in her class and that infuriating man should know it.<p>

"Cheer up Rachel! You can prove him wrong because you work so hard but you just need to relax." She reaches over and gently touches her friend's hand.

"Or I could just act and pretend to be more like you, Britt, and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just dance all the time." Rachel turns her glare to the cheery woman in front of her, stirring her Amaretto sour with her straw.

The blonde's smile widens. "You should, because that," she points over to a man, "Unicorn has been staring at you all night long and I'm sure he would _love_ a ride from you right now."

Rachel rolls her eyes and turns in her seat to look at the man, only to be met with a pair of hazel eyes. She straightens her head and looks at him more intently. His shaved down hair, smirk in place, chiseled jaw and _lovely_ arms showing in his tight gray shirt. The petite woman licks her lips before turning back to Brittany. "He may be looking for a ride tonight but I don't think I can help him."

"And why not?"

"You know why Britt," Rachel sighs dejectedly. "All my one night stands and relationships all end badly. I guess I can't hide my crazy." She looks down and swirls the contents of her glass.

"I don't think you're trying that hard." Brittany shrugs, "You're too picky Rachie." She giggles at how it rhymes.

Suddenly, someone taps her shoulder and the blonde smiles widely at Rachel. The brunette turns around and stares up at the wall of muscle from across the bar in front of her. "Um, hello."

"You consider me a sexy man, correct?" The man smirks at her and crosses his arms over his chest.

"I don't know how to answer that question." She tilts her head and gazes into his eyes.

"Let me buy you a drink."

She looks over at Brittany who nods and looks over to a woman across the bar before grinning. "I'm going to go find some sweet lady kisses for the night. See you later Rachel." The blonde winks before grabbing her clutch and leaving the table.

Feeling brave, she puts on her best coy smile. "I'm Rachel and pink wine makes me slutty."

The man growls lowly and walks towards the bar.

About an hour later, they're both laughing and talking about anything and everything, the flirting coming rather easily between the two. Brittany walks over with a Latina trailing behind her. "I'm going over to Santana's place tonight. Will you be okay at home all by yourself?" She smiles.

Rachel rolls her eyes. "Yes Britt, I'll be fine. Have fun."

"Have fun driving your unicorn." The blonde winks at the man, which Rachel now knows is named Noah, and walks towards the door.

"Did she just call me a unicorn? I mean, I have a horn, but…"

Rachel stands up then moves between his legs, kissing him hard and cutting him off. Noah pulls her onto his lap, causing her to straddle his hips while she sits back on his thighs. There's a few catcalls before she pulls away gasping for air. "Let's go use that horn."

"Yes ma'am." He grins and sets her back on the ground before pulling her into his side.

* * *

><p><strong>Prompts:<strong>

Nick: I could pretend to be more like you, Jess, and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.

Schmidt: You consider me a sexy man, correct?  
>Jess: I don't know how to answer that question.<p>

_Jess: Well, I guess I can't hide my crazy.  
>Nick: I don't think you're trying that hard.<em>

Jess: Pink wine makes me slutty – All by **shaesweetie**

**(All credit goes to Glee & New Girl, I only own the mistakes.)  
><strong>


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